Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
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Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.