All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
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When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.