Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
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Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
let’s discuss
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
they split up moments later