I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
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*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.