[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
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I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.