I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
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Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.