Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
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“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
constantly working on myself.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?