“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
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Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
The struggle is real.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Uh oh…
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.