snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
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My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I forgot how to panic. Help
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.