Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
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Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
i did the math
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
My what?
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
WHY?!
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us