I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
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HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Bootstraps
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
WWE is French for “yes”
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”