The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
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I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away