A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
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The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.