me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
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life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”