“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.