Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
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Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
“The Perfect Relationship”
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.