It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
You Might Also Like
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
PLEASE READ
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying