Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
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I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Accurate
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Running from your problems is cardio .
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I already tried new things thanks.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question