Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
You Might Also Like
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.