No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
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Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names