“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
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Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
*gets down on one knee*
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
oh shit
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
i now pronounce you bounced.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
A woman drives into a bar.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.