“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
You Might Also Like
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.