Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
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Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
I cannot stop laughing at this
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown