Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
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People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I’m good, thanks.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed