Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
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Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh