Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
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I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.