uh oh
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me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Holy shit he’s back
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
I see your IQ test came back negative
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.