“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
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I remember when yoga was called Twister.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles