All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
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Money is the root of all wealth
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
“What movie?” 🤔
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.