Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
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Running from your problems is cardio .
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.