[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
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To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo