Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
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I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.