I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
You Might Also Like
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again