A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
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On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.