It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
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I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Well, shit
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”