Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
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Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Kids: Stay in school.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”