Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
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I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Botany good plants lately?
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
podcasts
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.