Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
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When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
not to brag, but mine was free
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
The glory of fall.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”