I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
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Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.