I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
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So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown