Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
You Might Also Like
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
lost dog
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.