If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
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This is true.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Bartenders are just boneless bars
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
doing your own taxes
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”