My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
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The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
scared to check what name she chose
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.