Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
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Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE