Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
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If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.