When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
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Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.