my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
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Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Realize this:
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.