One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
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[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Watson was Holmes schooled
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
sugar glider wrangler
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’