A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
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My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I think I’m having a stroke
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
🤣🤣💀