My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
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Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Lmfao
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease